LORD GUIDE ME!!!

After reading Rachel's blog I have come to realize that I need to invest in better friends here in High Level.....I have spent this whole day with a group of my guy friends.....all of whom are younger and much more involved in the ways of the world than I (if you know what I mean)......Oh how I wish I would have spent my day around people who would allow me to grow and not cause me to become my old self....I have to say that I handled myself pretty good today...I didn't not do anything I will regret later...and that is a big step for me....However I should have not stayed around my old friends as long as I did......I feel like my head is going to explode from all the crap I allowed in my ears today.....Today has been a day full of lessons.....I have realized that I am very bitter at my family...bitter because they always tend to screw me over...bitter because all of them know better....but still they live as though they do not believe in God...still they live as though they have no love......Oh how I long to love my family the way God does....to forgive them in the same way the LORD forgives me.....

LORD please show me how to love
Please show me how to forgive.

Make the best of it

Well I have made it through the first couple days of being at home. Things are so wierd here. Everything is exactly the same but I have changed. Everyone still talks about the same things, everyone still does the same things for fun. Because I have changed so much those things don't excite me anymore. Maybe it's a good thing that Im not like all these people anymore, maybe it's okay that I have changed. It's really hard to be myself around here though. I find myself not saying anything for fear that I won't say what I really mean and then I will just become my old self again. It's so complicated for me here. I feel very unwelcome and unwanted. Not by my parents but by almost everyone else that I have talked to. I guess when you move away and come back you find out who your real friends are. Anyway....things are going good at the moment. But it is only 9:00 in the morning...
Can't wait for Christmas to be over!
Kinda funny though because three days ago I couldn't wait for it to come....guess I should just make the best of it....

3 MORE DAYS!!!!

I find myself filled with anticipation. I am anticipating the two weeks that I will be away from school. Away from all the people that I hang out with and all the people that I can't seem to connect with. But then there are the people that I get to see. Oh how I am excited. But oh how I am scared. I can't seem to shake the fear of seeing my brothers....the fear of seeing my ex boy friends.......the fear of screwing up with where I am with God......But I know from a wise source that I am not the person I was...I am different and I dont have to do the same things I would have done at home.....that is an encouragment to me.....
so it's only 3 more days till we leave and oh how I wish they would go bye faster.........

My Psalm

Oh LORD you are my strength

You hold me up when I am falling down

You are the whisper in my ear that wakes me up

Your voice speaks to me and I know you are there

You are so amazing, I can see your face

I can feel your eyes in the rays of the sun

You are the one that keeps me close

You grab my hand and I am comforted

I see your fingerprints in all your creation

I see your fingerprints in my life

You allow your love to flow from my heart

Your love flows so that all your people may know who you are

Your Holy Spirit revolves around those you love

I feel your Holy Spirit with me always

You shower me with your mercy and grace

I call out to you and I am forgiven

I feel your presence every time you are near

I feel your touch rush over me

You show me your love everyday

Your love consumes me and I am free

Your footsteps guide me to you

You continue to guide me to your resting place

Your hand holds mine and leads me in all I do

You show me your way always

You continue to show me your greatness

You shine your light on my face that I may always look upon you

You are the song that puts me to sleep

You comfort me and I am at rest

Oh LORD continue to be my strength

Continue to hold me up when I am falling down

Just Another Day!

I am not exactly sure what to type....there is nothing that i have being dwelling on....nothing that has consumed my mind....I am just basically fine with life......Excitement tends to overwhelm me at different points during the day.....I am so excited for Christmas.....so excited for the second semester to come.....I am totally ready for change....I used to hate change....I used to want to stay the same forever but now that I have discovered that in order for me to be more like Jesus I must be willing to change....I have realized that when you change God brings the right people into your life that you need at that time of change and that excites me.....I love people...I love meeting the people that are going to shape my future even if I don't know they are going to shape my future at the moment I meet them.....There are some people in my life whom I never thought I would have the privledged of meeting.....But God wanted me to experience their friendship and for that I am grateful....
I tend to go off on tangents about friends and sappy stuff....you'll have to bear with me....guess I am just at a new season in life......maybe thats a good thing......anyway for now i am going to jet ( in the words of my brother) and go finish my homework.....
man do I ever wish I had some chai right now....or even jack the cat would be nice....but that comes with tomorrow........and homework comes with today.....so I am off.

Continuing My Search For Myself

I continuously find myself sitting at a piano at random times during the day.
First I sit down and say to myself "okay today I am going to play this like I know I can"
and then I play one of the only songs I know how and once that song is over I am lost.
I try to play random cords.... trying to put some sort of melody together but that doesn't
last for very long.
Then I stop and I sit there staring at the keys as though they have this sort of power over me. They intimidate me so much.
I want so badly to be able to express myself by playing the piano but once I sit down I lose myself.
I long to be able to play.... I know I can do it....but saying that I can and actually proving that I can are two different things.
I want so badly to be able to place my hands on the keys and have something come out.....but nothing ever does...it's like I have never even taken lessons before....but I have.....I mean
I know I need more lessons and I know practice makes permanent.....but why can't I just play a simple song?....why can't I let my fingers do what they want?....My frusteration is over whelming and I find the only way to make it leave me is to stay away from the piano...
but I can't do that.....I can't not be by a piano.......they do somthing to me...they inspire me......
I Just wish I could find myself again.....wish I could play like I used too.....

My prayer is that I would get back what I lost........Myself!