Facing the cold

So it's Friday....meaning another week is over and a boring weekend is ahead of me. It's on the weekends, here in Eston, when I realize that I really don't have an imagination. However, fun to me is sitting somewhere inspiring and writing in my journal......it's official I have no life............
I am so excited that this week is over because that means I am one week closer to going home.......one week closer to seeing the people who mean the most to me....such as my parents in High Level and my family in Sexsmith.........
Lately I haven't been able to think of anything but going home. I want so badly to cuddle my mommy and get hugs from my dad. I hope to jump on my horse bareback and go for a long ride in the snow.....can't wait for that......I haven't jumped on my horse for so long.....I hope she remembers me.
I really miss my cousin Chancee also.....can't wait to hang out with her like old times....
So because that is basically all I think about then that is all I am going to write about for now.....
Maybe by the end of the night I will have more interesting things to write about....But until then I am off to face the cold........

Tiny Bubbles

Once again my brain is not treating me well today. I am supposed to write an essay and I can not think of what to write about. I sat in Rachel's house for about 3 hours and nothing came to my mind. I tried to sleep on it....that didn't work.....I tried to sit in her tub and write.....that didn't work. I just can't seem to think today.....or any day for that matter. Once again I am like tiny bubbles.

Nothing Important

Okay so here I go. I have nothing of importance to write.....nothing that anyone is going be excited to read. This is just me. My mind has been every where all at once for the past while. I can't seem to compose my thoughts enough to type them. I feel like a bunch of broken peices all swirling around in thin air. I need to find my place.....I need to know who I am. But can I figure that out? NO!!!! Of course not!!! Just when I think I know who I am something happens and I realize I am alot different then what I thought. I realize that there is a part of me I have never discovered. Decisions consume my mind everyday.......to stay or to leave....to call him or to forget him.......to be happy or stay mad..... All of these have such easy answers but to actually act on them is another story....another peice of me floating about...meaningless.

IT'S ME!!!!

Just thought I would put a picture of myself on here. Don't know why but it sounded like fun.........*too much time on my hands*
Anyways....YUP...thats me......pretty cool hey?
I thought so!

The Time Is Now

Well here I am writing out my thoughts again!!
I think I am at a point in my life where I think to much.
But my only escape is to write.
When I have thoughts and feelings in me I like to be able to write.
I write so that all those feelings are not inside of me anymore.
They are out in the open and while I am writing them no one can interrupt me or judge me.
It's just me and the paper and my thoughts.
I like it better that way.
I hate when I am trying to tell someone how I feel and they interrupt me, or they say they understand when really they don't.
My only escape from keeping my feelings bottled up inside of me is to write.....so that is what I will continue to do.

Even though it is only 2:00 in the afternoon I have already found my self curled up on Rae's bed crying. (SORRY FOR GETTING TEARS ON YOUR BED RAE!!)
Confusion is overwhelming me and it sucks.
Yesterday peace was all around me and now today I have let my guard down and the peace I once had is diminishing.
I wish that I could just rest and know that things are going to be okay.
I wish that I would stop worrying about my future and totally put it all in God's hands.
I don't know why I have such a fear of messing up.
But now comes the time when I take all the negative things in my life and throw them away.
I need to be more positive.
I need to stop wondering what I should do next in life.
I just need to sit and "BE".
The time is now for me to let it all go and let God!!!!
So that is what I am going to do.
I am going to continue to talk to God today for He is the only one who can comfort me now.
So once again I am off to have my afternoon shower and after that ................who knows!

SHOW ME YOUR WAY OH LORD!!!!!

*SIGH*

WOW!!
Two posts in one day.
I'M on a role.
For some reason I can't stop writing today.
My thoughts and emotions consume me and I just need to grab a pen and my journal and write. Even if it's just a sentence here and there.....I am still always writing.
Little things keep making me think about my past, and my future.
I keep remembering stupid things that I have done and thinking about things that I want to do. Like see the Eiffel Tower.
Man I want to go to Paris.
I don't know why...........I mean it's the city of love and I am not into love at all but I think I just want to stand up on the tower and smell the fresh air.
I want to walk up every single step, all the way to the top, just to say I did.

Other things that I find myself wanting to do today is take pictures.
If it was still light out right now I would most definitely be outside taking pictures of everything. Everything looks like a picture to me today.
Like Jack the cat sitting in the window, or the light beaming off Kiah's face or even the way the sun was hitting the house just right.

Certain smells keep catching my attention, along with certain songs.
I'M in one of those moods where I just simply miss things.
Like riding my horse through the field.....
Hanging out with my guy friends.....
Boating.....
Walking in 30 below weather.....
and the list goes on.
But even in the midst of missing all the little things in life I am enjoying the new little things that I find fill my days.
Even though loneliness continues to well up in me, I am still at peace.
I am at peace with where I am....and at peace with where I am going.....or shall I say where I am STAYING!!!
My decision to move is still heavy in my heart and I still need to make the choice if I am staying or going........
The funny thing is I think my mind has shifted back to staying in this place.....but I shall leave it at that and spend some time in prayer........
Sounds like a good idea to me
mmmmmmmm...prayer!!!

An Old Feeling Made New

So here I am sitting in this house that is filled with peace. I feel like nothing bad can happen to me in this house. I feel like God is all around me and I love that feeling. I spent last night here and lucky for me I get to spend two more nights here. I think last night was the best sleep I have had since I came to college. I woke up refreshed and ready to face a new day filled with tones of homework, lots of movies, and relaxation.
I am blessed to be in this house today because if it was not for this house and the presence of God, my depression that consumed me last night would still be evident in me today.
Last night I had a very hard conversation with my friend Kevin. We have been struggling with figuring out if we are "just friends" or if we are dating. I told him last night that I could not have that kind of a relationship in my life right now, or ever for that matter. It was unfair to both of us. So last night I found all the courage I could and told him that I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that it was over. This has happened a few times to us already in our almost three year "Friendship slash relationship". So this new feeling is simply an old feeling recreating itself inside of me. I wish that I didn't have to go through this. I wish that him and I could be friends forever but I know that is not what God wants. I know that for me to move on in my relationship with God changes have to be made and my first change was ending our friendship. Although I am sad that I lost my best friend last night I am also very happy because I have a peaceful feeling inside of me and I am excited that it is a new day.
I must be off now so that I can have my afternoon shower and continue on with my homework.

Choices!!!!

It is only 1:52 p.m, meaning this day has not had alot of events in it. However it is full of decisions. One major decision.....which is......To move or not to move. I am confused today because of having to make this choice. I want to move back to Sexsmith, because I was comfortable there, I was loved there, and I feel like there was actually a reason why I was there.
Although I feel like I don't belong here in Eston, it makes me sad to think of leaving. I am starting to get comfortable with being here for the most part anyway. There are a few people here that are starting to make me feel loved and needed and I am sad to leave those people. However, I do feel like God is calling me back to Sexsmith, and in the words of my mentor............"It is better to follow what God wants instead of what my friends want"
So for the moment I am moving to Sexsmith....but my mind does change alot and I do have 37 more days to make the final decision. So I will pray about it and if I pay attention maybe....just maye......I will hear God's voice.

Finding my place!!!

Today I am sad!
Sad because of the sin I allow in my life.
Sad because I can't seem to find my place in this world.
Everyday I wake up, get dressed and put this smile on my face that, very often, is fake.
I hate not knowing who I am or who I am supposed to be.
I hate how, just when I think I have found myself and have turned away from the old sin in my life, that's when the sin comes crashing back into my life and my world is turned upside down.
Too many times I have gone through the same sin circle and too many times I have cried my eyes out because of it. Some days I just don't want to exist anymore. Some days I wish that I could be everything that I am supposed to be without turning back to my old way of life. If only things were easier, if only I didn't make things so hard. Maybe then I could grow and become the person I am meant to be. Maybe then I could amaze people, and make them proud of me. But as I type that I ask myself why do I care if people are proud of me or not?..........
So many questions, thoughts, and emotions are running through my head I don't know where they begin and where they end.....if they ever will.
If I continue to type I may end up crying....something I don't want to do in front of my peers.
So I am off..........off to find my place.........off to put on a smile, one which I hope will one day be real!!!!!!

a few thoughts for the day

I went to my first Eston hockey game last night. Being in the stands and eating fries and drinking hot chocolate made me miss Sexsmith and my family from there sooooo much. I kept on having flash backs of being at the hockey games I always went to when I was there. I am such a sentamental sap.......I want to go back to sexsmith so bad. Just so I can watch my friends play hockey. heehee. But anyways this is just a small blog because I am out of time. But here are my 10 BEAutiful things for the day so far (even though it's not over yet)

1. sleeping in till 11:39
2. FINALLY being invited to do something
3. relaxing and watching a movie
4. walking up town in the cold
5. it being one day closer to Christmas
6. chocolate ship cookies for supper
7. a phone call from a friend
8. a comfortable happy feeling inside of me all day..............
okay theres only 8 but hey the day isn't over yet. im sure there will be more.

The first snow fall

The snow covered the ground when I looked out my window this morning.
What a beautiful sight it was to see everything covered with this white fluff.
I was blessed this morning as I walked in my fuzzy boots across the lawn in the
slushy white snow to go meet with seven wonderful girls who are in my community group.
Today at community group I was blessed again as we wrote encouraging notes to eachother.
For the past couple weeks I have been feeling like there is nothing I can do right.
But that feeling disapeared finally as I read the notes that my community group wrote me.
Finally I feel like I am a good person, and that is a blessing in its self.
Today I pulled what I like to call......."a rae rae"........this meaning I found a sun spot and relaxed.
As I sat in the sun, barely able to open my eyes, I noticed water falling from the roof. As I watched it fall I longed for spring. I longed to see the grass turning green and smell the sweet flowers growing in the ditches. I am sad to say that spring is not going to come anytime soon, for it is only the first snow fall. Don't get me wrong I love the snow.......especially the first snow fall. But after a while it gets depressing. But I am trying to keep my spirits up along with the people around me. If I can encourage others to embrace the snow and love it then maybe in encouraging others I can also encourage myself.

A cold day

Today has been filled with alot of relaxing. I woke up this morning at about 10:00. I missed my first class because I was just to lazy to get out of bed, and because I am just to upset that my face is doing this weird thing where it gets bright red zits all over it. When this happens I just want to curl up in a ball and stay in my room all day. I almost did.................But thankfully even though I stayed in my room for most of the day I got alot of my homework done. Things that I thought I was going to start stressing about I finished in a few short hours and man is it ever a load off.
After working hard for a while I went and sat with my rae rae by the fire. What a relaxing time it was. An hour and a half of being warm and being a cuddlebug with someone who makes it so easy to open up and say what you feel has been the high light of my day so far. I am excited to say that I am starting to appreciate the small things in life. As my mentor has advised me I am begining to list 10 beautiful things every day
Here is my list for today

1. Sleeping in till 10:00
2. laying in my pj's and reading my book
3. finishing homework that isn't due yet
4. watching the flame on a fire (even though it is a fake fire)
5. being lazy with a friend
6. listening to that friend talk
7. looking out the sky light and seeing hundreds of birds fly by
8. ice cream floats
9. being called beautiful
10. spending time enjoying life